Not Legally Separated but Living Apart? Here’s How To Make It Work

24th January 2024

Legal separation is usually the death knell for the average marriage. Legally-separated married couples, in the overwhelming majority, apply for divorce within three years.

Legal separation is often a vital step for couples figuring things out. But not everyone has the luxury of being able to get a court decision – or have a cooperative partner. Those who are not legally separated but living apart may struggle without those legal benefits.

If you are not legally separated but living apart, how do you make it work? In this guide, we take a look at ways to handle things professionally and effectively.

What Is Legal Separation?

Think of legal separation as a halfway house between a normal marriage and divorce. It’s not a complete termination of the union, and it is reversible.

Legal separation is beneficial since it reduces some of the responsibilities a partner has to their legal spouse. For example, there is a clearer division of assets. A separated partner earns their own money, pays their own rent, and so on.

Legal separation must occur with a court decision and will require lawyers’ fees. It may involve serving a separation petition to a reluctant spouse. Find a process server near me with this link.

There are benefits to legal separation, such as sharing insurance coverage or qualifying for government benefits. You can even enjoy the benefits of filing your taxes together or getting tax breaks. It also makes divorce easier if the couple decides that that is the best course of action.

Disadvantages of Not Legally Separated but Living Apart

The challenge of living apart without legal separation is that you still have the same marital obligations. For example, sharing childcare costs, paying co-signed mortgages, and other joint responsibilities.

This is challenging because normally people who are living apart are not on good terms. Or, they don’t have much incentive to cooperate since there is no legal backing to the separation. Living apart usually involves at least one reluctant spouse who wants to keep the marriage.

With that in mind, let’s look at strategies to make things easier.

Have a Division of Assets

One problem that crops up in a lot of relationships is that one partner has big financial struggles or significant debts. This can weigh down someone who’s debt-free when living together or being separated.

So, the first step is to create clear, defined financial responsibilities. Since there is no longer any shared obligation to pay for housing or groceries, it makes things simpler.

Create a plan for who will handle the finances of any children you may have. School fees, hospital visits, new clothes, and so on. Find a happy medium that is fair for both and considerate of their financial situation.

This may also mean closing any shared accounts. Partners should have their own bank accounts without partner access. This avoids misunderstandings and bad feelings related to money.

Divide Incurred Debt

The problem with debt is that it can often affect both partners. For example, taking out a loan on a house. Both people may be legally obligated to pay some or all of it.

In other cases, a debt is only in one person’s name. It doesn’t have any legal ties to the other partner. Still, the financial impact of having to pay off a debt forces the non-obliged partner to compensate.

Determine Child Custody

Without divorce or legal separation, child custody is an informal agreement. The last thing you want is for CPS (Child Protective Services) to get involved. That could make things very rocky and exacerbate strained relationships.

Make a clear agreement of who takes care of the kids and when. It’s best to divide this responsibility rather than having one partner care for the kids all the time. Figuring out an informal system of alimony payments is almost always going to lead to problems.

A simple “one week with Mom, one week with Dad” system usually does the trick. Partners can split costs for things that are independent of where the children live, such as Christmas presents. Other things, like food and regular everyday expenses, can be shouldered by the parent who is currently caring for them.

Maintain Communication

It’s important to always maintain a clear, open line of communication. This can be challenging, given the emotional difficulties between a separated couple. After all, there were likely a bunch of arguments that led to the separation in the first place.

It’s important to keep a level head and tamp down emotions when communicating. Be concise and avoid burdening your words with emotional inflection. Say what needs to be said, not what you want to say.

The key is to be cordial and to treat things in a professional manner. If you wouldn’t say something to your boss or your coworker, then you probably shouldn’t say it in this situation.

Have Accountability

Nothing is going to get done unless there is some degree of accountability between partners. Have accountability meetings where you discuss the past weeks or months. Identify pain points and ways to avoid problems and misunderstandings going forward.

This can be challenging, again, when you have one partner who is uncooperative. The inability to maintain accountability could drive one partner further towards legal separation and divorce. So even if unsuccessful, it could be a strong indicator of the need to legalize the separation.

That said, the lessons learned here could help revive the relationship and start things fresh. If, while separated, relations improve, then you may have a gateway to saving the marriage.

Solve Your Marriage Issues Today

People who are not legally separated but living apart exist in a complicated middle ground between marriage and divorce. If this is your current situation, the best you can do is divide assets and responsibilities. Keep your partner accountable while maintaining the line of communication in a professional manner. If you are not sure how to proceed, speak with a divorce lawyer.

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